I need to get some things off my chest, because if they continue to sit in my brain, I will go insane.
I am still angry, I can't stop being angry. I don't like this side of me, mad at him/her, whatever. I want to move on, I could kick myself for hanging on. I don't expect them to change, so I don't understand why I still care at all. I don't understand.
Maybe it's because I trusted them too much, giving more than I should have emotionally. I told them everything, spent so much time with them, building a friendship that I though would last forever, something good, something happy. I let them in, I let them in too much. I didn't believe that they could hurt me. I was naive, child-like in my trust and kindness.
I never expected for the rug to be pulled so quickly out from under my feet. I was betrayed, for the first time. I had never felt hurt like this. I didn't understand, how someone I cared so much for could do that.
Hindsight is 20/20 though, and now I see the warning signs, all the things they said and did. Trying to turn me against people I cared about, trying to change my beliefs, trying to change me into someone I wasn't. I let them get away with things that I shouldn't have, I let him say cruel things, and I believed them at first. Why would he lie to me, we were friends? Friends don't lie, not seriously, right? Not in a damaging way right?
Getting wise was the beginning of the end. I started catching on to lies and twisted truths. Damn did it hurt. They were hiding a whole different life from me, even when they said they were not going to go back to that. That they had seen that it wasn't the right way to live.
I wasn't surprised when I found out. Angry, and hurt, sure, but not surprised. I don't know why I believed then at all. I don't even know how I was so blinded.
Now, I still am hurt, everything we went through, it is all tainted. I knew him for so long, and now I wonder how many lies I believed. How true was anything they said. I put so much time into loving them, I forgave them over and over. A million times. I stood by their side when things got tough, but all of it is poisoned now. I can't even go back and smile at the good times, and there were good times, but they no longer hold meaning.
I feel weighed down by anger, I can't let go. I let you break me. I have wounds that don't seem to fade. I now fear people like you. I now don't trust as much, and there are parts of me that still feel torn, when I think about you, because I want to let you go, forget you, stop wanting to know about your life. I am torn, because I'm taught not be angry, not to hold a grudge, but I still feel angry. I've never stayed angry, anger fades quick with me, but you made such a deep cut, that I still don't know how to let it heal.
I pray that it heals, I pray for you too. I want to move on, but hurt doesn't go away so fast, and wounds take a long time to heal. I don't want to feel this way forever, I want to be able to move on, to see the good things about you. I don't want to hate you. I want to let go, to be set free, to no longer feel weighed down.
Hopefully that freedom will come soon.